Parenting is a very complex process. Many mothers and fathers ask one question: “How to be a parent without using shouting and punishments?” Most of them find it difficult to stay calm and contain their emotions when seeing their child’s bad behavior. However, it's even more painful to see when parents scream and punish a child for not listening to them.
Not all parents thinks about the consequences of these punishments. We offer to figure out this issue in our article.
There are several types of punishment:
- when the child is limited in something;
- when the child is humiliated, parents shouting strongly at them, calling them names and swearing
- trying to shame the child
- using physical force against the child
Behind all these punishments is the helplessness of the parents, disappointed in themselves and feeling powerlessness.
Generally, when punished, children cannot answer their parents in the same way and accordingly, they begin to vent their pain and resentment towards others. For example, other children in their kindergarten group, mostly children who are weaker, at a brother or sister or at grandparents. Thus, aggression has manifested and the child wants to take revenge on others, due to the fact that they feel they have been unjustly punished.
You ask what to do? How can you make the child obey their parents?
Before you start shouting and screaming at your child, stop. Take a deep breath and count to ten. Then think: “What does your child want now?”.
Most likely, by their behavior they are trying to achieve am unmet need. It may even be that the child wants parental attention and love, or they are hungry or tired. In this case, you need to satisfy their primary need. If they are being naughty because of something else, then you need to find the reason.
Your task is to convey your message to the child, explain what you want them to do and why at this moment it is important. For example: “Dear, I really understand you. I understand that you don’t want to clean up your room, but if we don’t do this, we won’t be able to go outside.” You can also introduce the method of "living toys" here.
For example: Take a car or a doll and with a sad voice begin to tell it: “I really want to go to the garage or my house, help me get home, I also want to go to my mum”. Most likely, the child will empathize with this and want to help their toy and will help you with the cleaning.
In order not to resort to punishment, it is very important and necessary to discuss what happened. And for this, at least for a moment, return to your childhood and remember how you behaved when you were the same age as your child.
It important to think about when you did something wrong or were unfairly treated, then you will start to think about what happened and about all sorts of other ways to solve this problem, without your strength and energy vanishing.
If mum or dad need to resort to punishment, then this shows that they have become helpless. When an adult shouts, swears and punishes a child, , the dignity, self-esteem and the ability to respect others are destroyed. it awakens aggression, revenge and sacrifice.
Here are some suggestions for resolving this issue.
Each parent sometimes begins to think that they are not raising their children correctly. After all, punishment is not only to use a belt or to punish in general, but also includes being put in a corner, deprived of gadgets, pocket money, etc.
First of all, mum and dad need to have a lot of patience if they decide to raise their child without punishment. It should be noted right away that this is not easy. But, if you follow all the rules – your child will grow up a happy person.
A child needs to be loved not for doing something, but unconditionally. Using punishment is much easier than trying to understand the essence of the problem. Parents choose the easy way and by insulting their child, suppress their personality.
Accept your child as they are, along with their feelings, emotions and problems. Every child should know that their parents need them.
Another important point is attention. Be sure to pay attention to children in sufficient quantities. If not enough attention is given, then with the help of disobedience they will seek your attention.
Give the child the right to choose. For example, let them choose what to wear or what they will eat for dinner or lunch.
If you teach a child to be honest, then your task is to show this by personal example. You must always be honest. After all, children always take an example from adults.
If you frequently tell the child that the same thing should be done or not done, you will create a tense atmosphere and make your child want to just disappear. This will manifest into whims, hysterics and protests.
Be consistent. If before bedtime they are not allowed to have fun and watch cartoons, then maintain this rule. If something is not allowed today, then the same should be true of tomorrow.
All children remember when they are praised and encouraged. You need to praise your child to encourage good behavior.
There is no need to respond to provocative methods to achieve your goal. Try to respond calmly and without emotion.
Talk more often with your children about what is considered good and what is bad and how to behave in the correct way.
Raising children without punishment is difficult and hard work. First of all, you should work not only on your child, but also on yourself.